Author: editor

If you are determined to win your next tennis match and you have a “hot” girlfriend, then get her to help you by distracting your opponent. The main thing is for her to look as sexy as possible by wearing clothing that shows off her amazing body. So the WTF would recommend: hot pants cut off t-shirt push up bra red lip stick stiletto heels Results prove that by having your good looking girlfriend on the side of the tennis court, this will improve your chances of winning a tennis match by over 69%. Extra top tip – make sure…

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Many people see images on foxes on wildlife programmes as cuddly and fluffy lovely animals. However, what most viewers don’t realise is that foxes have a dark secret – “they love to poo on tennis courts”. Over the past 20 years the WTF has contacted every single tennis club in Great Britain that has outdoor tennis courts and asked them the following 2 questions: do you have foxes defecating at your tennis club? where exactly do the foxes defecate? The results of the WTF survey show that 92% of all foxes defecate on the tennis clubs actual tennis courts and…

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Scientist at the World Tennis Federation institute have now identified that to help you win your next tennis match, you must play some really loud music before you go on court. WTF scientists recommend you buy yourself some decent headphones – the big kind not the small ones that go in your ear – and get ready to blast yourself mental with some loud music. As we all know, loud banging music will get your heart pumping, your mind racing and focused into a zone where you will just want to WIN WIN WIN. Some gentile tennis players may not…

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So you lost a tennis match! So what – get over it! Running off court and crying your eyes out won’t change the result. You lost, suck it up and move on. If you want to be a tennis champion or at least win some matches, then crying won’t solve it. No one cares. People only like winners. However, if you win Wimbledon – that is a different story. You can cry as much as you like – people love a happy ending. Here at the WTF tennis training academy we have a simple slogan “crying is for losers”. However,…

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Question – What’s Up WTF – I need some help cause the other day my tennis partner passed out drunk on court. I really did not know what to do. This is not the first time she has done this and probably won’t be the last. So next time when she does pass out on court, what should I do. Thanks Danny. Answer – Hi Danny, thanks for your message. Getting drunk on court is bad enough, but also passing out is even more serious. Does this woman have no self respect. Not only is she putting her life in…

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Every year tennis authorities around the world launch new campaigns to get more people to play tennis. These campaigns waste millions of dollars and never result in any genuine long term increase in tennis participation anywhere in the world. But for those of us who are die hard tennis players, we know why we love to play tennis week in week out. It’s not just the tennis – it’s all about the alcohol afterwards. This fact has been known every since tennis was invented, but the tennis authorities don’t wish to acknowledge that tennis players love to have a drink…

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Shocking news today at the WTF news headquarters, where we have learnt of the sudden death of an up and coming top female tennis player being killed on court after being hit with a tennis ball. Stefanie Hitsolva was pronounced dead at the Altea International Tennis Tournament in Spain today. Her next of kin have been contacted to inform them of her sudden and tragic death. WTF top journalist Richard Shatner has been on site to bring WTF the latest news on how this unfortunate lady lost her life. William had to stay “according to witnesses at this prestigious tennis…

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In the sleepy village of Chipping Down, Dorset – on the English south coast – there is today a world first – all of their floodlights for their tennis courts are powered by faeces. Chipping Down LTC decided 2 years ago to do their bit for the environment, by investing over £700,000 in this new technology from Sweden. As we all know, faeces has enormous amounts of stored energy – and what better way to help the planet than by turning faeces into energy to play tennis at night. The system for turning faeces into electricity was developed by the…

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Researchers at the World Tennis Federation have looked into the phenomenon of why old people are such bad line callers in tennis. WTF researchers interviewed over 10,000 old people who play tennis to find out what factors result in their bad line calling. The results were very similar with most of the old people interviewed. These being; bad eye sight refusing to wear their glasses on court hatred of their opponents bearing a grudge going back to 1977 too much chianti the night before forgetting the rules of tennis So if you do have to play an old person…

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If you watch the news this week you will see a news report that tells you “the murder rate is going up” – “knife crime is soaring” – “gun deaths is out of control”. Every week we are being told not to step outside our front doors, because we are most likely going to get killed by some deranged nutter. Well luckily there is one place on earth where you can go and the likelihood of getting killed is just about zero. That place is a tennis court. The World Tennis Federation census team contacted over 4 million tennis clubs…

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This is the number one question in tennis – was the ball in or out? Bad line calls can lead to big arguments, accusations of cheating and even violence. So it is vital for the world of tennis that we all get to learn if a tennis ball is IN or if it is OUT. To assist you with this troublesome dilemma, shown above is a photo of a tennis ball and the position it landed on a tennis court. There are 2 possible answers – it is either A – IN or B – OUT See below for the…

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Question – Hello WTF, recently I had an attack of the squits whilst playing tennis and to avoid embarrassment (and a mess) I decided to sit down on the court. My opponent said that was not allowed and I had to forfeit the point. Can you tell me who was correct. Thanks Julie. Answer – Hello Julie. sorry to hear about your “predicament” on court. Unfortunately playing tennis does have some nasty side effects. Physically exerting yourself a bit too much can result in SBC – aka “sudden bowel collapse”. With regards to the rules of tennis, you can use…

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Early this morning Typhoon Teetzup has made landfall just outside Tokyo, with the result that not many people will be able to play tennis this afternoon. The Japanese Typhoon Forecasting Bureau estimates that winds will reach over 250 miles an hour today, as Typoon Teetzup causes havoc at tennis clubs all around Tokyo and Yokohama. Our local news reporter in Tokyo – Kuniko Kupazoop – ventured out to interview Tokyo tennis players, to see how they were coping in these very trying conditions. Mr Sarki Sandweech-San of Chiba tennis club told us – “Yes, I went out to play my…

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Sad news to report today is the closing of a local tennis club just outside Brisbane, Australia. The Sentinal Tennis Club went into bankruptcy today at 4pm and will not be re-opening any time soon. But, why did it go bust. The answer it seems is the tennis club failed to buy any new tennis balls for its members. 18 months ago the committee at the Sentinal Tennis Club decided they wished to recycle as much as they could to “save the planet”. They realised that the number one thing that goes to waste at a tennis club are the…

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For a long time one of the old wives tales of the tennis world has been “don’t eat curry before tennis or you might skid off the court”. Well now professors at the University of Rotherham in England have decided to see if this tale is true or not. And the results will shock you – YES curry can pose a real DANGER if you eat before playing tennis. What the professors found were excessive farting is 100% guaranteed if you are playing doubles, your farting can cause your partner to suffer from temporary suffocation if you fart too hard,…

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Following on from an extraordinary meeting earlier today by the WTF world council, it has been decided that from 7.15pm tonight all old people aged over 70 will be allowed to foot fault when playing tennis. The reason for this sudden change in the rules of tennis, follows the widespread media campaign by Sylvia Sidebottom of Hove in England to have rule 445G altered. Mrs Sylvia Sidebottom has been in the newspapers and on TV for the past 6 months campaigning for this rule change. The WTF council decided in its wisdom that it would make the change to allow…

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Everyone has heard of famous tennis players called Maria, Martina, Virginia, Arancha, Steffi, Billy Jean etc etc. But here at the WTF we wanted to find out what was the most popular name amongst ordinary tennis players around the world. The WTF thus, undertook a massive data collection process by interviewing female tennis players and asking them what their name was. The WTF interviewed over 22 million female tennis players in over 220 countries over the past 2 weeks and found that the number one tennis name for female tennis players was Annette. Shown below is the list of top…

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Authorities at the World Tax Organisation have undertaken raids on tennis coaches homes to recover cash relating to undeclared income. The World Tax Organisation, who are based in Brighton, England – have today sent out over 500 of their top agents to raid homes all over the world to crack down on this widespread tax evasion, common within the tennis coaching fraternity. Detective Sylvia Tickles of the WTO told us -“we know most tennis coaches get paid in cash and they don’t declare the income on their tax returns. This evil in our society must be stamped out. By raiding tennis…

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The WTF have undertaken some research to find out if young children actually like going to play tennis and the results will shock you. 95% of 5 year olds told the WTF they actually HATE TENNIS ! The WTF interviewed more than 27 children to uncover the shocking truth that they would prefer not to be on a tennis court and would prefer to be at home watching the TV. Forced Into Tennis The WTF undertook this investigation after a 5 year old whistleblower who we shall call “Timothy” – told the WTF that he was “forced against his will”…

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So you want to be a top tennis player. Well top tip from the WTF – don’t have a beard. The facts speak for themselves. Over recent years (for some unknown reason) some men in our society have decided to grow bushy beards. Research indicates that they think such a beard makes them look trendy and cool. But feedback from other members of society seeing men with such bushy beards, think they just look like a bunch of pillocks. But if you insist on sporting such a beard and playing tennis then the future is not good. The facts prove…

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