Here at the WTF we always try and find out if there is anything is life better than playing tennis. That is why when films get nominated for an Oscar – they just might fit the bill. However, luckily the film Roma is so terrible that we know from personal experience of actually watching this dire film that everyone at the WTF judging committee gave up watching this awful film and went off to play some tennis. So why is this film so bad you may ask. Well if the opening scene of water being chucked on the floor for…
Author: editor
Over the past 200 years, there have been many different rating schemes for tennis. Following 20 years of research the World Tennis Federation has come to the conclusion that all these rating schemes were useless. To encourage more people to play tennis and have a fun time – the World Tennis Federation has come up with a new tennis rating scheme which is guaranteed to produce world class tennis players. The WTF’s vision is to not open up tennis to more people. The aim is get rid of useless and poor tennis players, thus making tennis even more of an…
Following the landmark change of law in Canada to allow the legal sale of cannabis recently, sources have told the World Tennis Federation that it has been proposed a tennis tournament be held in Canada, when competitors also get to smoke weed whilst playing. The purpose of the tournament is to bring together two factors – amazing young tennis players who also smoke pot. As has been known for ever – smoking cannabis helps you to relax. This is why organisers in Canada are hoping that by allowing talented young tennis players to smoke a joint on court, this will…
Yes, it is official – the number one choice of after tennis drinks with females is Pinot. This may shock some of you, as you might have thought most ladies would have opted for a bottle of champagne, but top level research by the WTF confirms that Pinot is the drink for the ladies “post tennis”. The WTF visited over 378 tennis clubs all over the world and sat down to have drinkies with regular female tennis players. Without asking what they wanted, over 68% of ladies rushed to the bar and ordered a bottle of Pinot once they came…
Following on from the recent scandalous events that occurred last week at the WTF event in Pittsburg – it has become necessary for the WTF to reclarify rule 69F, so tennis players all over the world are aware of their responsibilities as to when they can kiss on court. Rule 69F clearly says – “When playing in a mixed doubles match, players may not kiss each other until the match has ended. If a player (or players) is seen to be kissing during the match they will receive a code violation warning. Further kissing will result in more code violations,…
Question – G’day there WTF, I wanna know if I can put my dead cat to some good use, by using its guts to restring my tennis racquet. Let me know will ya. Cheers – Bruce from Melbourne. Answer – Hi there Bruce from “down under”. The answer is YES, here at the WTF we thoroughly recommend you use your dead cat’s guts for restringing, instead of buying some expensive synthetic tennis strings. We all have to do our bit to “save the planet” and if you can start recycling your dead cat, then you are helping to “save the…
Research undertaken by the World Tennis Federation reveals that most tennis players PIN for their mobile phone is 1234. The WTF interviewed over 10,000 tennis worldwide and found that over 72% of them had the same PIN for their mobile phone – this being 1234. The results of the interviews provided the following interesting results: 72% – PIN for their mobile phone was 1234 6% – PIN for their mobile phone was 6969 12% – PIN for their mobile phone was something random 10% – Refused to provide an answer under the fact they might incriminate themselves Professor Jeremy Tuttinton from the…
If you are determined to win your next tennis match and you have a “hot” girlfriend, then get her to help you by distracting your opponent. The main thing is for her to look as sexy as possible by wearing clothing that shows off her amazing body. So the WTF would recommend: hot pants cut off t-shirt push up bra red lip stick stiletto heels Results prove that by having your good looking girlfriend on the side of the tennis court, this will improve your chances of winning a tennis match by over 69%. Extra top tip – make sure…
Many people see images on foxes on wildlife programmes as cuddly and fluffy lovely animals. However, what most viewers don’t realise is that foxes have a dark secret – “they love to poo on tennis courts”. Over the past 20 years the WTF has contacted every single tennis club in Great Britain that has outdoor tennis courts and asked them the following 2 questions: do you have foxes defecating at your tennis club? where exactly do the foxes defecate? The results of the WTF survey show that 92% of all foxes defecate on the tennis clubs actual tennis courts and…
Scientist at the World Tennis Federation institute have now identified that to help you win your next tennis match, you must play some really loud music before you go on court. WTF scientists recommend you buy yourself some decent headphones – the big kind not the small ones that go in your ear – and get ready to blast yourself mental with some loud music. As we all know, loud banging music will get your heart pumping, your mind racing and focused into a zone where you will just want to WIN WIN WIN. Some gentile tennis players may not…
Question – What’s Up WTF – I need some help cause the other day my tennis partner passed out drunk on court. I really did not know what to do. This is not the first time she has done this and probably won’t be the last. So next time when she does pass out on court, what should I do. Thanks Danny. Answer – Hi Danny, thanks for your message. Getting drunk on court is bad enough, but also passing out is even more serious. Does this woman have no self respect. Not only is she putting her life in…
So you lost a tennis match! So what – get over it! Running off court and crying your eyes out won’t change the result. You lost, suck it up and move on. If you want to be a tennis champion or at least win some matches, then crying won’t solve it. No one cares. People only like winners. However, if you win Wimbledon – that is a different story. You can cry as much as you like – people love a happy ending. Here at the WTF tennis training academy we have a simple slogan “crying is for losers”. However,…
Every year tennis authorities around the world launch new campaigns to get more people to play tennis. These campaigns waste millions of dollars and never result in any genuine long term increase in tennis participation anywhere in the world. But for those of us who are die hard tennis players, we know why we love to play tennis week in week out. It’s not just the tennis – it’s all about the alcohol afterwards. This fact has been known every since tennis was invented, but the tennis authorities don’t wish to acknowledge that tennis players love to have a drink…
Researchers at the World Tennis Federation have looked into the phenomenon of why old people are such bad line callers in tennis. WTF researchers interviewed over 10,000 old people who play tennis to find out what factors result in their bad line calling. The results were very similar with most of the old people interviewed. These being; bad eye sight refusing to wear their glasses on court hatred of their opponents bearing a grudge going back to 1977 too much chianti the night before forgetting the rules of tennis So if you do have to play an old person…
In the sleepy village of Chipping Down, Dorset – on the English south coast – there is today a world first – all of their floodlights for their tennis courts are powered by faeces. Chipping Down LTC decided 2 years ago to do their bit for the environment, by investing over £700,000 in this new technology from Sweden. As we all know, faeces has enormous amounts of stored energy – and what better way to help the planet than by turning faeces into energy to play tennis at night. The system for turning faeces into electricity was developed by the…
If you watch the news this week you will see a news report that tells you “the murder rate is going up” – “knife crime is soaring” – “gun deaths is out of control”. Every week we are being told not to step outside our front doors, because we are most likely going to get killed by some deranged nutter. Well luckily there is one place on earth where you can go and the likelihood of getting killed is just about zero. That place is a tennis court. The World Tennis Federation census team contacted over 4 million tennis clubs…
This is the number one question in tennis – was the ball in or out? Bad line calls can lead to big arguments, accusations of cheating and even violence. So it is vital for the world of tennis that we all get to learn if a tennis ball is IN or if it is OUT. To assist you with this troublesome dilemma, shown above is a photo of a tennis ball and the position it landed on a tennis court. There are 2 possible answers – it is either A – IN or B – OUT See below for the…
Shocking news today at the WTF news headquarters, where we have learnt of the sudden death of an up and coming top female tennis player being killed on court after being hit with a tennis ball. Stefanie Hitsolva was pronounced dead at the Altea International Tennis Tournament in Spain today. Her next of kin have been contacted to inform them of her sudden and tragic death. WTF top journalist Richard Shatner has been on site to bring WTF the latest news on how this unfortunate lady lost her life. William had to stay “according to witnesses at this prestigious tennis…
Following on from an extraordinary meeting earlier today by the WTF world council, it has been decided that from 7.15pm tonight all old people aged over 70 will be allowed to foot fault when playing tennis. The reason for this sudden change in the rules of tennis, follows the widespread media campaign by Sylvia Sidebottom of Hove in England to have rule 445G altered. Mrs Sylvia Sidebottom has been in the newspapers and on TV for the past 6 months campaigning for this rule change. The WTF council decided in its wisdom that it would make the change to allow…
Everyone has heard of famous tennis players called Maria, Martina, Virginia, Arancha, Steffi, Billy Jean etc etc. But here at the WTF we wanted to find out what was the most popular name amongst ordinary tennis players around the world. The WTF thus, undertook a massive data collection process by interviewing female tennis players and asking them what their name was. The WTF interviewed over 22 million female tennis players in over 220 countries over the past 2 weeks and found that the number one tennis name for female tennis players was Annette. Shown below is the list of top…