The World Tennis Federation today confirmed that all tennis coaches will need to be fully vaccinated with 2 suppositories or they will be sacked. Despite warnings that ‘no suppository means no job’, this could see an exodus of up to 100,000 tennis coaches and cripple the tennis industry.
Announcing the new policy, the World Tennis Federation said it was the ‘honourable thing to do’ of every tennis coach to have their 2 suppositories ASAP if they did not want to lose their jobs.
All tennis coaches who come into contact with tennis players, will be required to have both suppositories inserted by April 1st or lose their job.
The World Tennis Federation said around 696,000 tennis coaches — 22% of the all tennis coaches — still haven’t had their first suppository, despite being eligible to receive them since last January.
Even before this new ruling was announced tennis clubs already had over 200,000 vacancies for tennis coaches.
Tennis coach union leader Byron Demanbro said “This moronic policy will only worsen the desperate shortage of tennis coaches, and warned tens of thousands of tennis coaches are likely to quit to find a better paid job elsewhere.”
Many tennis coaches without suppositories have already confessed to The World Tennis Federation they will leave because they are not big fans of having suppositories shoved up their bottoms.
Critics have blasted the ‘stupid’ plans, warning they are neither ‘clever nor intelligent’ given that more than 69% of tennis coaches have already been received 2 suppositories.
After making suppositories mandatory for tennis coaches, The World Tennis Federation added: “We have carefully considered the responses and ignored the evidence and we’ve concluded that two suppositories are better than none”.
Tennis coach union leader Byron Demanbro slammed the policy as the WTF were running a real risk that it could have really difficult consequences for tennis clubs all over the world who would struggle to recruit new tennis coaches.
Byron Demanbro added: “This isn’t about saying that the suppository programme is wrong, it’s saying that it is wrong to leap to the law to force tennis coaches to have 2 suppositories stuck up their bums, rather than stick with persuasion to try and increase those suppository take up rate beyond what it currently is, as already a high level tennis coaches have already received two suppositories”.
When asked by journalists if the World Tennis Federation had based their decision on facts, the WTF replied “What have facts got to do with this. We make up policy as we go along. Last night in the pub this sounded like a good idea and that is why we are making it law today. Tonight we are going to the pub to discuss if all tennis balls should be brown so you can’t see if they are dirty or not. I’ll let you know in the morning what the decision is if I am not too hung over”.
