Author: editor

Shocking news today at the WTF news headquarters, where we have learnt of the sudden death of an up and coming top female tennis player being killed on court after being hit with a tennis ball. Stefanie Hitsolva was pronounced dead at the Altea International Tennis Tournament in Spain today. Her next of kin have been contacted to inform them of her sudden and tragic death. WTF top journalist Richard Shatner has been on site to bring WTF the latest news on how this unfortunate lady lost her life. William had to stay “according to witnesses at this prestigious tennis…

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Every year tennis authorities around the world launch new campaigns to get more people to play tennis. These campaigns waste millions of dollars and never result in any genuine long term increase in tennis participation anywhere in the world. But for those of us who are die hard tennis players, we know why we love to play tennis week in week out. It’s not just the tennis – it’s all about the alcohol afterwards. This fact has been known every since tennis was invented, but the tennis authorities don’t wish to acknowledge that tennis players love to have a drink…

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This is the number one question in tennis – was the ball in or out? Bad line calls can lead to big arguments, accusations of cheating and even violence. So it is vital for the world of tennis that we all get to learn if a tennis ball is IN or if it is OUT. To assist you with this troublesome dilemma, shown above is a photo of a tennis ball and the position it landed on a tennis court. There are 2 possible answers – it is either A – IN or B – OUT See below for the…

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Sad news to report today is the closing of a local tennis club just outside Brisbane, Australia. The Sentinal Tennis Club went into bankruptcy today at 4pm and will not be re-opening any time soon. But, why did it go bust. The answer it seems is the tennis club failed to buy any new tennis balls for its members. 18 months ago the committee at the Sentinal Tennis Club decided they wished to recycle as much as they could to “save the planet”. They realised that the number one thing that goes to waste at a tennis club are the…

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In the sleepy village of Chipping Down, Dorset – on the English south coast – there is today a world first – all of their floodlights for their tennis courts are powered by faeces. Chipping Down LTC decided 2 years ago to do their bit for the environment, by investing over £700,000 in this new technology from Sweden. As we all know, faeces has enormous amounts of stored energy – and what better way to help the planet than by turning faeces into energy to play tennis at night. The system for turning faeces into electricity was developed by the…

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If you watch the news this week you will see a news report that tells you “the murder rate is going up” – “knife crime is soaring” – “gun deaths is out of control”. Every week we are being told not to step outside our front doors, because we are most likely going to get killed by some deranged nutter. Well luckily there is one place on earth where you can go and the likelihood of getting killed is just about zero. That place is a tennis court. The World Tennis Federation census team contacted over 4 million tennis clubs…

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Researchers at the World Tennis Federation have looked into the phenomenon of why old people are such bad line callers in tennis. WTF researchers interviewed over 10,000 old people who play tennis to find out what factors result in their bad line calling. The results were very similar with most of the old people interviewed. These being; bad eye sight refusing to wear their glasses on court hatred of their opponents bearing a grudge going back to 1977 too much chianti the night before forgetting the rules of tennis So if you do have to play an old person…

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Question – Hello WTF, recently I had an attack of the squits whilst playing tennis and to avoid embarrassment (and a mess) I decided to sit down on the court. My opponent said that was not allowed and I had to forfeit the point. Can you tell me who was correct. Thanks Julie. Answer – Hello Julie. sorry to hear about your “predicament” on court. Unfortunately playing tennis does have some nasty side effects. Physically exerting yourself a bit too much can result in SBC – aka “sudden bowel collapse”. With regards to the rules of tennis, you can use…

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Authorities at the World Tax Organisation have undertaken raids on tennis coaches homes to recover cash relating to undeclared income. The World Tax Organisation, who are based in Brighton, England – have today sent out over 500 of their top agents to raid homes all over the world to crack down on this widespread tax evasion, common within the tennis coaching fraternity. Detective Sylvia Tickles of the WTO told us -“we know most tennis coaches get paid in cash and they don’t declare the income on their tax returns. This evil in our society must be stamped out. By raiding tennis…

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For a long time one of the old wives tales of the tennis world has been “don’t eat curry before tennis or you might skid off the court”. Well now professors at the University of Rotherham in England have decided to see if this tale is true or not. And the results will shock you – YES curry can pose a real DANGER if you eat before playing tennis. What the professors found were excessive farting is 100% guaranteed if you are playing doubles, your farting can cause your partner to suffer from temporary suffocation if you fart too hard,…

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Following on from an extraordinary meeting earlier today by the WTF world council, it has been decided that from 7.15pm tonight all old people aged over 70 will be allowed to foot fault when playing tennis. The reason for this sudden change in the rules of tennis, follows the widespread media campaign by Sylvia Sidebottom of Hove in England to have rule 445G altered. Mrs Sylvia Sidebottom has been in the newspapers and on TV for the past 6 months campaigning for this rule change. The WTF council decided in its wisdom that it would make the change to allow…

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Everyone has heard of famous tennis players called Maria, Martina, Virginia, Arancha, Steffi, Billy Jean etc etc. But here at the WTF we wanted to find out what was the most popular name amongst ordinary tennis players around the world. The WTF thus, undertook a massive data collection process by interviewing female tennis players and asking them what their name was. The WTF interviewed over 22 million female tennis players in over 220 countries over the past 2 weeks and found that the number one tennis name for female tennis players was Annette. Shown below is the list of top…

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Here at the WTF we always try and find out if there is anything is life better than playing tennis. That is why when films get nominated for an Oscar – they just might fit the bill. However, luckily the film Roma is so terrible that we know from personal experience of actually watching this dire film that everyone at the WTF judging committee gave up watching this awful film and went off to play some tennis. So why is this film so bad you may ask. Well if the opening scene of water being chucked on the floor for…

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The WTF have undertaken some research to find out if young children actually like going to play tennis and the results will shock you. 95% of 5 year olds told the WTF they actually HATE TENNIS ! The WTF interviewed more than 27 children to uncover the shocking truth that they would prefer not to be on a tennis court and would prefer to be at home watching the TV. Forced Into Tennis The WTF undertook this investigation after a 5 year old whistleblower who we shall call “Timothy” – told the WTF that he was “forced against his will”…

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So you want to be a top tennis player. Well top tip from the WTF – don’t have a beard. The facts speak for themselves. Over recent years (for some unknown reason) some men in our society have decided to grow bushy beards. Research indicates that they think such a beard makes them look trendy and cool. But feedback from other members of society seeing men with such bushy beards, think they just look like a bunch of pillocks. But if you insist on sporting such a beard and playing tennis then the future is not good. The facts prove…

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Over the past 200 years, there have been many different rating schemes for tennis. Following 20 years of research the World Tennis Federation has come to the conclusion that all these rating schemes were useless. To encourage more people to play tennis and have a fun time – the World Tennis Federation has come up with a new tennis rating scheme which is guaranteed to produce world class tennis players. The WTF’s vision is to not open up tennis to more people. The aim is get rid of useless and poor tennis players, thus making tennis even more of an…

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Here at the WTF we are contacted by parents all the time who have the same complaint about their tennis playing child: “Why is my kid not a tennis superstar? – I have spent 10 years taking them to tennis matches all over the country – I have spent a fortune on tennis lessons – but still they are useless – tell me what went wrong.” To find the true answer to this problem, the WTF undertook extensive research by asking over 26 million children who have played tennis over the past 150 years – Why are you useless at…

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Research undertaken by the World Tennis Federation reveals that most tennis players PIN for their mobile phone is 1234. The WTF interviewed over 10,000 tennis worldwide and found that over 72% of them had the same PIN for their mobile phone – this being 1234. The results of the interviews provided the following interesting results: 72% – PIN for their mobile phone was 1234 6% – PIN for their mobile phone was 6969 12% – PIN for their mobile phone was something random 10% – Refused to provide an answer under the fact they might incriminate themselves Professor Jeremy Tuttinton from the…

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Following on from the recent scandalous events that occurred last week at the WTF event in Pittsburg – it has become necessary for the WTF to reclarify rule 69F, so tennis players all over the world are aware of their responsibilities as to when they can kiss on court. Rule 69F clearly says – “When playing in a mixed doubles match, players may not kiss each other until the match has ended. If a player (or players) is seen to be kissing during the match they will receive a code violation warning. Further kissing will result in more code violations,…

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Following the landmark change of law in Canada to allow the legal sale of cannabis recently, sources have told the World Tennis Federation that it has been proposed a tennis tournament be held in Canada, when competitors also get to smoke weed whilst playing. The purpose of the tournament is to bring together two factors – amazing young tennis players who also smoke pot. As has been known for ever – smoking cannabis helps you to relax. This is why organisers in Canada are hoping that by allowing talented young tennis players to smoke a joint on court, this will…

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