Author: editor

Question – Hello WTF, recently I had an attack of the squits whilst playing tennis and to avoid embarrassment (and a mess) I decided to sit down on the court. My opponent said that was not allowed and I had to forfeit the point. Can you tell me who was correct. Thanks Julie. Answer – Hello Julie. sorry to hear about your “predicament” on court. Unfortunately playing tennis does have some nasty side effects. Physically exerting yourself a bit too much can result in SBC – aka “sudden bowel collapse”. With regards to the rules of tennis, you can use…

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For a long time one of the old wives tales of the tennis world has been “don’t eat curry before tennis or you might skid off the court”. Well now professors at the University of Rotherham in England have decided to see if this tale is true or not. And the results will shock you – YES curry can pose a real DANGER if you eat before playing tennis. What the professors found were excessive farting is 100% guaranteed if you are playing doubles, your farting can cause your partner to suffer from temporary suffocation if you fart too hard,…

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Here at the WTF we are contacted by parents all the time who have the same complaint about their tennis playing child: “Why is my kid not a tennis superstar? – I have spent 10 years taking them to tennis matches all over the country – I have spent a fortune on tennis lessons – but still they are useless – tell me what went wrong.” To find the true answer to this problem, the WTF undertook extensive research by asking over 26 million children who have played tennis over the past 150 years – Why are you useless at…

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Authorities at the World Tax Organisation have undertaken raids on tennis coaches homes to recover cash relating to undeclared income. The World Tax Organisation, who are based in Brighton, England – have today sent out over 500 of their top agents to raid homes all over the world to crack down on this widespread tax evasion, common within the tennis coaching fraternity. Detective Sylvia Tickles of the WTO told us -“we know most tennis coaches get paid in cash and they don’t declare the income on their tax returns. This evil in our society must be stamped out. By raiding tennis…

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So you want to be a top tennis player. Well top tip from the WTF – don’t have a beard. The facts speak for themselves. Over recent years (for some unknown reason) some men in our society have decided to grow bushy beards. Research indicates that they think such a beard makes them look trendy and cool. But feedback from other members of society seeing men with such bushy beards, think they just look like a bunch of pillocks. But if you insist on sporting such a beard and playing tennis then the future is not good. The facts prove…

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Shocking news today at the WTF news headquarters, where we have learnt of the sudden death of an up and coming top female tennis player being killed on court after being hit with a tennis ball. Stefanie Hitsolva was pronounced dead at the Altea International Tennis Tournament in Spain today. Her next of kin have been contacted to inform them of her sudden and tragic death. WTF top journalist Richard Shatner has been on site to bring WTF the latest news on how this unfortunate lady lost her life. William had to stay “according to witnesses at this prestigious tennis…

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Early this morning Typhoon Teetzup has made landfall just outside Tokyo, with the result that not many people will be able to play tennis this afternoon. The Japanese Typhoon Forecasting Bureau estimates that winds will reach over 250 miles an hour today, as Typoon Teetzup causes havoc at tennis clubs all around Tokyo and Yokohama. Our local news reporter in Tokyo – Kuniko Kupazoop – ventured out to interview Tokyo tennis players, to see how they were coping in these very trying conditions. Mr Sarki Sandweech-San of Chiba tennis club told us – “Yes, I went out to play my…

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Over the past 200 years, there have been many different rating schemes for tennis. Following 20 years of research the World Tennis Federation has come to the conclusion that all these rating schemes were useless. To encourage more people to play tennis and have a fun time – the World Tennis Federation has come up with a new tennis rating scheme which is guaranteed to produce world class tennis players. The WTF’s vision is to not open up tennis to more people. The aim is get rid of useless and poor tennis players, thus making tennis even more of an…

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Sad news to report today is the closing of a local tennis club just outside Brisbane, Australia. The Sentinal Tennis Club went into bankruptcy today at 4pm and will not be re-opening any time soon. But, why did it go bust. The answer it seems is the tennis club failed to buy any new tennis balls for its members. 18 months ago the committee at the Sentinal Tennis Club decided they wished to recycle as much as they could to “save the planet”. They realised that the number one thing that goes to waste at a tennis club are the…

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So you lost a tennis match! So what – get over it! Running off court and crying your eyes out won’t change the result. You lost, suck it up and move on. If you want to be a tennis champion or at least win some matches, then crying won’t solve it. No one cares. People only like winners. However, if you win Wimbledon – that is a different story. You can cry as much as you like – people love a happy ending. Here at the WTF tennis training academy we have a simple slogan “crying is for losers”. However,…

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