Author: Admin

Female tennis players often experience ‘tennis vagina’ due to the hot sweaty air between their legs which causes their genitals to enter ‘sticky mode’, according to pseudo-experts. Health professionals at the World Tennis Federation revealed how ‘tennis vagina’ can be exacerbated by playing tennis, and it can make sex pretty painful as well. Camilla Kunk, Pseudo Health Expert of the World Tennis Federation said: “Tennis vagina refers to the female genitalia getting hot and sweaty due to the running around on a tennis court, which causes the issue of vaginal stickiness. Apparently a lack of fresh air blowing between a…

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The World Tennis Federation today confirmed that all tennis coaches will need to be fully vaccinated with 2 suppositories or they will be sacked. Despite warnings that ‘no suppository means no job’, this could see an exodus of up to 100,000 tennis coaches and cripple the tennis industry. Announcing the new policy, the World Tennis Federation said it was the ‘honourable thing to do’ of every tennis coach to have their 2 suppositories ASAP if they did not want to lose their jobs. All tennis coaches who come into contact with tennis players, will be required to have both suppositories…

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It is reported 100 police officers were slightly injured during clashes with crowds who were intent on causing chaos at an anti tennis demonstration yesterday. The police federation later confirmed that none of the injuries were serious and most police officers had only suffered a few bruises and sweaty hands. Police made 2 arrests for a variety of nonsense offences as they ‘worked hard to minimise disorder and take action against those intent on causing chaos and trickery’. Police officers said they remained professional at all times despite being continuously provoked by a bunch of tennis hating crusties. At no…

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Colombia has become the first country in the world to approve a tennis pill that claims to be a potential game changer in the fight against useless tennis players. The pill is called ‘Boturkrep’, has been authorized by the World Tennis Federation for use in people who are useless at tennis. The World Tennis Federation has reported good results from the use of this new pill. The claim is that this pill will get pathetic tennis players to improve their game within a matter of days. Already tennis players around the world have started ordering this pill over the internet…

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A patient at the Thunderberg General Hospital in Trontheim has recently come out of a coma after 244 days only to reveal she had a very long bad nightmare — she thought she was a tennis player with a bad forehand. Janice Goplin had been on a ventilator for 244 days after collapsing whilst eating fish and chips at home. Doctors did not think Janice would survive the ordeal. However, the mum of six children did not die — and as soon as she woke up, Janice started telling hospital staff about the very strange dream she had. Janice said…

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50% of tennis players who had a fling with someone at their tennis club says it improved their tennis game, research shows. Tennis players said their regular tennis game became exciting when there was the possibility of bumping into their lover. 95% of tennis players had a fling with someone of the opposite sex and 5% had a fling with someone of the same sex. The statistics emerged as the World Tennis Federation looked at new ways to improve tennis standards across the globe. Sex therapist Lizzie Ardant said: “Playing a long tennis match with someone you find attractive means…

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The World Tennis Federation has warned it is struggling to employ enough tennis umpires as many are leaving to earn more money working for hauliers as HGV drivers. Tennis clubs may be forced to abandon tennis matches as holding a tennis match without an approved WTF tennis umpire is illegal. The World Tennis Federation is also struggling to retain ball boys and girls as many of them have gone off to work part-time in fast food outlets, as the money is much better. Without trained WTF umpires and ball boys/girls – matches would have to be abandoned resulting in no…

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Police have closed off access to the Chipping Aston tennis club after they discovered a dead body next to the tennis courts. A large protective tent has now been set up adjacent to the tennis courts as the forensic investigation gets under way. Local speculation by tennis club members think it could possibly be the body of a dead female and it might have been rotting away slowly for “several months”. The body was found on Saturday afternoon when a tennis player called Hanna Janus left the court to retrieve a tennis ball she had shanked into the undergrowth. The…

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A tennis club in New Jersey has been forced to close earlier today and shut down its water supply after police identified crystal meth was in their water supply. A tennis player at the club was hit in the eye when a spurt of water containing crystal meth struck them. The tennis club in New Jersey remains shut and its water supply is still closed off, after a chunk of crystal meth came out of a tap and struck a tennis player in the eye earlier today. New Jersey police analysed the flying item and confirmed it was crystal-meth -…

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The World Tennis Federation went into panic mode today to help deal with the lack of tennis coaches following the United Kingdom’s decision to leave the European Union. The lack of Eastern European tennis coaches has resulted in scenes of panic where tennis players were block booking tennis lessons for the next 3 years in advance. Dr Emily Makepins, a professor of tennis at Chelmsford University, told the World Tennis Federation that the shortage of tennis coaches was “not surprising after Brexit as leaving the EU was a completely and moronic idea.” After Brexit day on 1st January 2020, tennis…

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